Why 'Fake It 'Till You Make It' Won't Follow Me into 2025

3 Pieces of Advice I'm Leaving Behind for Good

Every beginning carries within it the remnants of endings—treasures, scars, and the history etched into its core. As I step into 2025, I’m taking stock of the advice I’ve collected over the years, some of which never truly resonated with me. Whether they were handed down as conventional wisdom or offered in moments of uncertainty, these pieces of guidance now feel like ill-fitting shoes—uncomfortable and unfit to take me where I want to go. This year, I’m purging them for good, starting with the infamous “Fake it ‘till you make it,” and making room for approaches that feel more aligned and resonant.

Fake it ‘till you make it

Before writing this post, I decided to test the advice again. I forced myself to smile when I didn’t feel like it, watching to see if it would spark happiness. It didn’t. In fact, I hated the exercise so much that I abandoned it within seconds. I realized it was because a part of me didn’t consent to this exercise. My whole being would much rather feel sad and honor whatever emotion I was feeling than force something artificial. Interestingly, when it came to summoning joy another way, all of me was on board.

So I remembered the last time I danced with a couple of hundred refugees. Without effort, a genuine smile appeared as joy bubbled up naturally. I then visualized stepping into a hot spring in the middle of snow, and before I knew it, I was purring with gratitude.

It occurred to me that faking, acting, lying, remembering, and visualizing all use our imagination. While straight-up faking and pretending often feel hollow and jarring, engaging gently with memory and visualization helps me tap into a more expansive and inviting experience.

Look on the bright side

I know—it sounds like my whole deal, right? Cultivating joy and finding what’s right in a world full of problems and catastrophes? Sure, but this phrase often reeks of toxic positivity, especially when facing real loss or tragedy. Take the ongoing LA fires—people have lost everything. Telling them to "look on the bright side" feels disingenuous and dismissive, as if you're trying to avoid your own discomfort of sitting with their pain rather than truly supporting them.

The same applies to the self-talk. You wouldn’t tell a crying child with a scraped knee to “look on the bright side,” so why say it to yourself? Now if you find yourself stuck wallowing in despair, there are ways to gently guide your attention to what’s right while honoring what hurts. It’s best to practice focusing on the positives when things are going well so you can easily call on that skill when needed.

Silence your inner critic

Coming from Iran, where freedom of expression was routinely curtailed, and observing the current political climate in the U.S., I am particularly sensitive to the language of domination, oppression, and silencing. It reminds me of the morality police—shutting down voices that don't align with the dominant narrative. It makes me wonder: Isn't silencing parts of ourselves also a form of oppression?

Our inner critic, frustrating as they can be, often arises from fear or a misguided attempt to protect us. Silencing them doesn’t resolve the issue—it forces them underground, where they can still influence us.

I lead sessions and workshops on transforming our inner critic into our greatest ally. It’s crucial to recognize that the inner critic can be intimidating and even harmful, which is why engaging with them requires resilience and a well-supported body budget. Much like how a good night’s sleep or the warmth of being in love helps us handle challenges with ease, replenishing our body budget is key to approaching this challenging dialogue.

In these workshops, we practice through various exercises and rehearsals. One particularly effective technique is asking our inner critic to reframe their harsh judgments as if speaking to a best friend—with kindness, gentleness, and encouragement. Check out the following example:

Harsh Criticism (Inner Critic):
"Here we go again. You always mess things up. You're never going to get this right!"

Rephrased for Best Friend:
"Hey, So you made a mistake! I know you're frustrated right now. You're learning and growing, and every step, even the missteps, brings you closer to where you want to be. Don’t be too hard on yourself—keep going, you've got this!"

Birth of Brilliance Conference

Things could change but as of now I'm thrilled about several upcoming keynotes, workshops, performances, and retreats. The first public event, featuring an in-person performance and an online workshop, is set for February 27th.

The Birth of Brilliance Conference was conceived to raise the collective consciousness around the effects of racial disparities and implicit bias in mental health, social services, developmental services, early childhood education, and medical care. For the last four years, this virtual conference has brought together critical voices in order to have long-overdue courageous conversations. Participants can earn up to 6 continuing education credit hours by attending the online conference. You can register here.

I’m also scheduled to present at the in-person cultural fair in San Diego on Feb 28th. I’ll be sure to share the details on my socials.

Dancing with Refugees

Thanks to your collective contributions, I was able to deliver $1,400 to the Tijuana shelter before the new year. The shelter used part of the funds to prepare a special carne asada dish for New Year's Eve, feeding over 200 refugees at the shelter. They also bought produce and other essentials. When I asked the shelter director what they needed most, she said mattress protectors, as accidents often ruin the mattresses. Your support is making a tangible difference in their lives!

We had a wonderful dance session. Everyone abandoned their worries for a couple of hours and celebrated being alive in this wild and disorienting moment in history. You can see a glimpse in the video.

I will post updates with more photos soon. Once GoFundMe releases the funds, I will take another trip inshallah, probably in February to deliver the rest of the donations. In the meantime, you can donate here.

*If you want to support a dancing program amid the genocide in Gaza, I recommend Bashar Al-Bilbisi of Foursan Troup. Check out this article about their efforts. You can donate here.

LA Fires

We’ve been closely following the fires, keeping the victims in our hearts, and doing everything we can to help. No one is safe from climate change disasters, so any of us could be next. Please check out tiny.cc/rebuildAD for a list of links to support Black folks displaced and impacted by the Altadena fires, a historically Black neighborhood.

4 Book Recommendations

I’m incredibly fortunate to be part of an ever-growing circle of talented authors, many of whom belong to marginalized communities. Here are four books I’ve recently read and highly recommend:

Freeset

Sarina Dahlan masterfully concludes her trilogy with Freeset. Kristy Gardner, author of the Broken Stars queer sci-fi series, describes it as “an ambitious and radiant story about the beauty in surrendering to the truth, each other, and most importantly, love. A brave tale steeped in memory you won't soon forget." To fully immerse yourself in this compelling journey, consider starting with the first two books in the series, Reset and Preset.

Sacred Kinship

Paméla Overeynder offers a beautiful collection of practical meditations in Sacred Kinship, designed to help readers reconnect with the Earth. “By activating the sacred trust of living in reciprocity with Earth, we make a shared future possible.” Kirkus Reviews calls it “a sincere, ardent, and uncomplicated plea for fellowship with one another and the planet.” I also blurbed this wonderful book.

Phantasma

Kaylie Smith’s Phantasma is a striking blend of Court of Thorns and Roses and Caraval, offering readers a seductive and immersive adventure. This book is packed with unforgettable elements: a sizzling romance, a captivating morally gray love interest, and a a refreshing and authentic portrayal of OCD that integrates smoothly into the plot. Add to that jaw-dropping twists that will keep you hooked until the very last page. If you’re a fan of Rebecca Yarros, Nisha J. Tuli, or Carissa Broadbent, Phantasma is a must-read that promises to linger in your imagination.

Because Fat Girl

Lauren Marie Fleming's Because Fat Girl is as unique as the voices it represents, offering an unapologetically original plot with a deeply personal narrative. The story is a glimpse into the lives of marginalized and talented creatives who must navigate the cutthroat world of Hollywood elites. It shines a light on the complexities of ambition, identity, and belonging, all while challenging the industry's norms. I couldn’t agree more with Jennifer Givhan, author of River Woman, River Demon, who praises the book for its refusal to conform: “[A] punchy, couture, queer narrative that refuses to squeeze itself into a one-size-fits-all."

*If you find this newsletter helpful, I’d love to hear from you. And please feel free to share it with someone who might benefit from its messages ❤️🙏🏾